i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
