this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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