saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
