If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
