That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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