I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
