Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
