i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
