***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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