just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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