Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
