Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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