made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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