i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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