I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
