im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
