So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
