I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
