I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
