I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
a search helicopter?!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
