he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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