My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
