Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
