My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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