I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
