I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
