He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
