I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
