Will you blow on my dice?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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