Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
