im drinking this country out of the recession.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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