dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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