you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
