Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
