woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
