I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize