My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
