Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
