He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
