Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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