I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
