so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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