is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
