Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
