help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
