I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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