My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
