someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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