I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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