My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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