True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
