I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize