if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
