my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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