two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize