I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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