how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
