Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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