i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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