I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
