apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
