The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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